cold sweats, heart palpitations, anna august

i was taking a walk along the canal near my house. it’s a pretty bleak one, embroided with nothing but the mechanical works of a world-class water distribution network. it was that.

this and that. everything had a purpose in what i saw. there was no randomness, no mistakes, no willfull force.

i can’t live like that. there are times where you walk away from what you want, who you want – because you put practical things above your feelings, because you believe that life has some sort of infinity sequence – where opportunities lay themselves up rather than come and go.

because you don’t want to hurt others, because you don’t want to make things complicated 

and i don’t know whether that’s growing up , or not living it YOLO. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, and what i’m doing right – and for the first time, i’m aware what my biggest fear has been all along.

it’s not that i’d be alone – i thought it was that for a while. it’s not that i would fail – failure is now an option ; if it happens, let me learn. it’s that i don’t know what i’m doing – that the powers of the cosmos; that God is probably sitting in a recliner thinking – i give up.

but i’ve been through pangs, i’ve been through these moments of writhing ; i’ll get through.

apparently this blog gets traffic as well nowadays- so take these as incidental musings. not a standpoint, not a world view. just a 20 year old thinking out loud.

cos it’s good to remember.

geronimo.

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