tonight, allow yourself to be deep with me. allow yourself to sink into incandescent furor over the whims of the world, to feel a bit more, to love a bit more.
Jenny sat on the bench at the corner of the park. It was her hidden corner, away from the judging eyes of Joe Public and Jane Stranger. She had her cup of brewed coffee, made by the espresso machine she kept at home. It was hard to trust the cafes on the streets these days – with the rapid commercialization of sanctimonious arts like brewing a hot cuppa coffee.
She held the cup to her lips, pursing them around the edge and letting the aroma and vapour linger on her spectacles, before condensing into a light fog. A light breeze blows, causing her hair to tingle with her eyes. Her fingers brushed them away and she sighed. She wanted a haircut soon.
Someone had taken a seat next to her. This was new. Almost no-one knew about this corner. Muggers didn’t even know the sitting duck she was, and that gave her a smirk everytime she witnessed a shady character prowling the park late in the evening.
She sneaked a glance at him. He looked tired. His body arched backward, and he was looking up, past the canopy above into the sky. She couldn’t catch a glimpse of his face. Her eyes darted back to her coffee, ready to push him out of her vision.
“Have you wondered where our emotions come from?” he muttered.
She turned back, suspiciously.
“I’m sorry?” she asked.
“Our blood is pumped by the heart, our breath is managed by our lungs, our thoughts are processed by our brain… but what about our feelings? Where do they come from?” he continued mumbling.
She continued staring at him for a while. Was this guy crazy , she thought to herself.
“I guess I never really thought of it… Why do you ask?” she said, trying to be polite. She still couldn’t see his face, and this started to annoy her.
“Do you know C.S. Lewis?” he said quickly.
“Sure, he’s the Narnia guy. I’ve read the series!” she said, feeling a bit more comfortable.
“He was more than that. He was a philosopher and a thinker. He once said ” We are not bodies with souls, we are merely souls who have bodies” the guy said with a inflexion in his voice.
“Are you trying to say our emotions come from our souls?” She was confused now.
“Are you saying that?” he threw the question back to her.
“I guess.. that’s the only logical answer isn’t it?” she said.
” Now you don’t make sense. We’re talking about emotions here. Whims, whams, feelings that turn our hearts inside out and strangle us while we sleep. How can we ever talk about logic when we talk about emotions?” he said excitedly, face still looking at the sky.
She turned back to her coffee and took a sip. Who was this guy? She put down the coffee and turned her body completely towards him, folding her left leg and laying it on the bench.
“That’s true. Emotions keep us from achieving our goals sometimes” she retorted.
” But you just said emotions come from our souls. The karmic centers of our existence. The impact on your life of having no soul is much greater than the impact of having nothing else. If we were to distrust our emotions, then which part of ourselves do we know are true?” he said. He sighed, allowing his body to arch forward a bit.
She got a glimpse of a moustache. It reminded her of her boyfriend’s mo. Or rather the guy she thought was her boyfriend. He walked in and out of her life, non committed. She thought to attribute it to new-age living, but she never enjoyed it. It was complicated.
“We can’t all have a “YOLO” lifestyle. We can’t always listen to how we feel. We have plans, lives to lead, paths to follow. It’s harder to choose my path.” she said slightly more angry.
” Your path? When were we talking about you? We’re talking about emotions…” he smirked.
“Okay, sure. But still… it’s harder to be emotionless” she said.
“What do your emotions tell you about not listening to your emotions? Honestly” he asked back.
She thought about it. It was getting late. She’d have to leave soon before night fell.
“I feel angry at myself” she mumbled.
“Too many people have died with regrets. Too many people have thought they would eventually found happiness, but what they don’t realise is every swerve they take against their emotions brings them further away from the destinies they were meant for ” he said.
” You’re an expert on this then? On what we ought to do in life. On what is “normal” ?” She didn’t like being judged.
“The spectrum of normal is large. If you’re unhappy now; with your life, with your partner, with me – there must be a reason. We are too used to shutting down our emotions, on being the rational idiot. We are mightier when we feel. ” he said, noting her annoyance.
“Who are you? Sit up straight, look at me!” she shouted. She wanted to stare this guy down.
“What would that do? You want to see me? You want to direct your anger towards me? Fine.” he said, turning to face her.
She jerked, flipping her coffee off the bench. It was him.
Or rather someone who looked exactly like the guy she thought she was going out with.
“Terzin?” she said.
“I’m not him. I’m what could have been. A totally different person, fully invested in you as you were invested in me. If you had chosen our path, you would have been happy beyond belief. We may look alike , but the person you think you’re going out with is lifetimes apart from who I am. ” he said, staring straight at her.
” You can’t be so arrogant. How would you know? ” she replied, scathingly.
” I am a sum of your emotions, built up and interfered with the powers of fate and time. I am here as long as you need me. I’ve loved you for the longest time.” he said. And then he moved in, his palm first cupping her cheek. He locked his eyes with hers, and she knew that he was different from anyone else.
His fingers then brushed her hair to the side. ]
“You always hated this hairstyle” he said and she giggled.
And then he kissed her. His lips moved perfectly in sync with hers , and he inhaled, and then let go.
“How did you feel?” he asked
“Like this was meant to be” she replied.
“Find me, and be happy. I love you” he said, and then he got up and walked away.
She sat on the bench for an hour longer. There were too many emotions , too many feelings.
She chose one, the strongest one, the one burning in her muscles, and she left the park. She was ready to feel.